Tuesday, April 26, 2011

New MBA courses

We are living in an exciting time here in India, with so many scams and scandals unfolding. We have a good time sitting in front of the TV (at the edge of the seat, no less) and watching all these celebrities getting ushered into jails and courts. It seems like the country is being run by the Supreme Court and the CBI for all practical purposes.

We heard that a top business school in India has decided to add one more year to their MBA program, with the following high specialty courses to be taught in the third year. .

V Semester

MBA 301 - Politicians and other human resources management.

Palm greasing; effective lobbying; computer modeling of bribe amount; identifying key resources; code words to be used in bribal conversations; Interaction and neutralization of political activists and other negative influences; politicians’ life cycle; counter-intelligence; Levels of customer service and how to provide it without a trace. Class Project – how to ‘buy’ both, a union minister and his cute secretary

MBA 311 - Advanced Bookcooking

Book? What book? The old Sathyam process of ledger keeping; knowledge-based trick accounting; new mathematics; funny money principles and its accrual; payroll stuffing; fiduciary practices when you have zero income; double entries; auditor education; triple entries; auditor physical education; elementary bank frauds and transactional analysis. Case study – peruse the given Income statement and Balance Sheet. Develop a procedure to get any number between zero and infinity as the income.

MBA 341 - Ballistics and Cycle Chain Management

Intimidation and goondagiri; attitude adjustment of dissenting people; how to deal with that nasty tenth cousin of yours who is also in the Board; negotiation skills using one arm; Physical force theory; Goondagiri Information System (GIS); geographic organization of Goondagiri; e-Intimidation. Case Study: What are the ‘people skills’ needed for effective control of disagreeing people? How would you scale this up for large organizations?

MBA 305 - Insider Information Technology

Risk management; managing hedge funds and fudge funds via networking; commodity speculation with no unknown variables; the Mela theory of foreign exchange; How to inform about forthcoming IPOs and get such shares; channels to use for spilling negative news. Class Project – Your company is going to be bought over tomorrow by a bigger fish. Only five people know this. How will you ‘inform’ your forty five friends without Mr. Wiki or the FBI listening to you. You only have one SIM based cell phone with two minutes of charge and five dollars of balance.

MBA 307 - Business Decision-making, using sharp objects

Intimidation, Power struggle and mudslinging; expectations management by goondagiri; diversity awareness through religious intimidation; break-back analysis; essentials of kidnapping and extortion. Role playing Class exercise – Effective team building in the Dharavi slums

MBA 303 - Corporate taxes – and how to avoid paying them

How to reduce double taxation to a single taxation and then to zero taxation; how to show losses and accumulate such losses; fundamentals of write-offs; bad loans; inventory obsolescence and burping computers. Class project – How can one spot a country with almost zero tax consequences? What is the most efficient way to transfer your profits there?.

VI Semester

MBA 322 - Mergers, acquisitions and front-company establishment

The abcs of benaami entrepreneurship; ten uses of your wife in business circumstances; how to set up a company that provides no goods or services; how to scale this ‘front’ company using economies of scale; setting up bank accounts in your pets’ names; unfriendly mergers and takeovers and how to effectively achieve them; real estate business is not just for dummies!! Class project – come up with a business plan and entrepreneurial timeline to go from zero rupees to one thousand crores in two years.

MBA 314 - Advertisement – tall claims, absurd claims and false claims

Indian ethos and Indian values – and how to make a fast buck out of it; the use of gods – especially the Bollywood and the cricket gods in various media; effective deception using cute stuffed animals and fat kids; role of piles-of-clothes-washing-yet-smiling Indian moms in TV advertising; effective use of vaasthu, Akshya Tritiya, karwa chauth in advertising. Case study – what do you feed your kids and how do you advertise this regimen so that they grow to become hundred kilos heavier and two inches taller and without any mosquitoes zinging them?

MBA 302 - Black monetary policy – theory and practice.

Strategic money laundering; money stashing schemes; Maslow’s extended hierarchy of needs and how to put away money for all those needs; geographic study of Switzerland, Bermuda and several small islands in the Caribbean’s; personal investing at the billion dollar level; Hawala fundamentals; managing change as well as several billions of rupees. Class Project – How do you bilk the Indian government of a thousand crore rupees, convert the money into your favorite country’s dollars and then bring the money back to India after ten years?

MBA 392 - Global networking with international crooks

The concept of a global criminal village; classification of International crimes; building world-class Cross-border criminal networks; cross-cultural crime experience; International law and crime syndicate words of honor. Class Project – How do the commodity price rise and inflation affect international business cartels and their relationships?

MBA 308 - Effective Managerial communication from inside the prison

Elements of denial, denial using body language, phony positive attitude; effective heart attack faking; 360 degree communication inside prison; communication across firewalls. and prison walls; Scam and Scandal management, Case study – Draw the organizational chart and the social network diagrams of all the high power Tihar jail inmates

3 Comments:

At Friday, May 06, 2011 11:14:00 AM, Blogger Nappinnai NC said...

Oh My God, it gave me dizziness like QM...Don't think too much:-) anyway i laughed intermittently while reading. dharavi sounds familiar! TV,Pittsburg:-) Is it dead or still resuscitated by some Indian dudes?

 
At Wednesday, June 08, 2011 11:36:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome Ramesh - Awesome - Satire at its greatest best

 
At Thursday, June 23, 2011 12:15:00 AM, Blogger henry said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 

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