A New Treat

Apparently, a right wing Hindu organization is in the final stages of making a major splash in the beverage market – by introducing packaged ‘cow’s urine’. According to sources, the product will be marketed in various customer-pleasing flavors, including something as exotic as aloe vera. Me and a friend of mine (who is from an Ayurvedic pharma company) managed to catch up with Mr. Kumar, the Managing Director of this new enterprise. As he took us around his facility, I tried to break the ice by remarking ‘Being pissed off is no longer a theoretical expression for your cows’. He made a painful grimace, but started talking about his new venture.

“It doesn’t get any more organic than this.” He explained to us “We go through a multi-step filtration process and follow an ancient method of refining it. We have even obtained ISO 9001 certification for it. However, we don’t subject it to Pausterization because it removes not only the germs, but also the holy properties of our product.”

“That is bullshit” screamed my companion.

“No no. Bullshit is another product that we are currently working on. Don’t confuse with that” Mr. Kumar explained. “At present, we are experimenting with seven or eight flavors. We also have the premium product, which has been aged for over two decades. We will also bring out the janata variety that is affordable for most people. Remember, our products don’t have any expiry dates”

“Ah, I see.” We marveled.

:”We are also coming up with a line of household cleaning and ‘propitiating’ products using the same raw material - especially suitable for people buying new homes.” Then Mr. Kumar proceeded to substantiate his statement with a short sloka about how a cow gives and gives.

“We tried various taglines – like ‘there is a wow, In every cow’ or ‘You charge and we discharge’. But we finally settled on ‘Holier than cow’” Mr. Kumar added. He then explained his marketing strategy a bit, although he said that he is not at liberty to give us the details.

“In blind laboratory testing, we found no difference between our product and Coors Light beer – even the pH matched. So, we are optimistic about capturing the obese, North American market, and also penetrating the Euro Zone.”

“Sir, who will be your brand ambassadors?” we popped the question.

“Again, I cannot reveal it just as yet. But several celebrities have already signed up, including politicians, actors and businesspeople.”

We fired a final professional question. “Tell us, Mr, Kumar. Which would you recommend for your customers, bottled or canned version?”

Mr. Kumar had that cynical laugh. “This question has been around right since the Vedic days. Actually, the best form of delivery is ‘on tap’. But that may be a bit difficult for several of our customers, because you will have to get between the legs of the cow and push the tail away and start tickling the cow to get output. Not recommended for some of our overweight politicians.”

Moo over Pepsi, Coke.

(The above conversation is fictional. But I am dead serious about the news of such a drink)